the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
