Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
