I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
