dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
