Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
the raccoons are back...
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