My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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