Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
