dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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