i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He literally asked permission to hit on me
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
