I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
