It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
