you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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