you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
