I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
