Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
