Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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