i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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