Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
