you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
