absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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