Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
