Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
