My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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