Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
