At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
