omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
