yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
