3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
