So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
