please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
do herpes really smell.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
