covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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