I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
