Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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