Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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