I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
