this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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