My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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