I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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