Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
