Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
