i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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