First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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