I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
there is another microwave in the elevator.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
