Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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