i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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