Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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