Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i love accidental penises.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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