If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she smelled like a LAN party
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
