i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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