my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
